Within the month I have lost me, again.  I planned a year without knowing but just to be there for someone who doesn't have empathy and is a gas lighter. I never knew about the meanings of these things until I started following a few people who seemed to be on the page I fell onto. What I can say is WOW, I have been around this my whole life and never been taught about the real meaning of those life codes with so much more. I talked to a pastor today and he can see right through me. He can see I AM hurt.  As he put it, it's an addiction. An addiction to a human trait many of us have, but will never understand. Nothing ever to do with drugs, but the way we choose the people around us, what we fall for. See I found another man (ego builder) who likes everything but me. He will choose to like other peoples info and friend girls he may or may not know and leave me out of his picture. The whole picture, I belong to no one but me. At my ae I should only expect it, right? No, it's excuses and lies about a reason to keep me around for their own financial status. Well, because they are stuck with me financially. With that I am ruined, I must rebuild.

It's been going on for sometime since 2016 or longer. I am told I need to stop with the anger and gain trust, but how can I when I am left "outside" of the relationship.. Alone.. I need to put more effort into someone who has no value in me. I find more spiraling lies within lies and I keep asking is there a future.  I need to let go, get away and not look back. The only thing I need to look back o is me and move forward with the why.  What is going to make me who I was so many years ago, so many years lost to these manipulators. Do they even know the damage they do? NO, they don't, they don't care, they are selfish and it doesn't hurt them. They think it's funny. Be kind to yourself and don't give up. Get on the right path.